Advice for Converting to Orthodox Judaism, part 1
In 2012, the Rabbinical Council of America discovered that DC Rabbi Barry Freundel had used conversion candidates for free clerical work and financial donations. He even shared a checking account with one of the conversion candidates. These infractions were not brought to light until two years later when Rabbi Freundel was arrested for spying on women in the mikvah. Without the voyeurism, Freundel would have continued to exploit conversion candidates and ironically, many converts recommended him as one of the better rabbis.
Converting to Judaism is not supposed to be easy. Judaism does not claim to be the one true religion. No one necessarily has to be Jewish. A convert not only needs to learn a great deal, but also must re-organize their lives around new holidays, Shabbos and a Jewish community. However, there’s a difference between difficult and the current system which can be exploitative. Rabbi Freundel’s behavior was not an aberration. There are many rabbis who manipulate potential converts with the tacit support of their communities.
There is no guarantee that the conversion process will improve. Converts who had a relatively easy experience want to show their loyalty to the Jewish community by dismissing all concerns. Apologists claim that every case of rabbinical manipulation is an “isolated incident.” Despite what the RCA might impose, potential converts are particularly vulnerable.
The following advice is for people who are seriously considering a conversion to Judaism, particularly Orthodox Judaism. There are several standards including finding a community, finding a rabbi, reading all the introductory books and taking your time. There are dozens of articles on conversion with this advice. This advice is for people who have done their homework, decided upon Judaism, and in fact would not be happy with any other path.
1. Be prepared to move
I don’t mean move into a Jewish community. I assume that you know that. Rather I mean move away from that first Jewish community if it proves unworkable. Not all communities are the same. Some communities are very welcoming. Other communities will make you feel like an outcast. For my conversion, I had to move to New York after years of being “not Jewish yet” in Minnesota. I was not the only frustrated would-be convert in the community. Most of my friends gave up. Some converted Conservative. No one had any clue of when or if they were ever going to convert. I blamed the rabbi, but the Chicago Rabbinical Council was going through a time when it didn’t want to accept converts and actively sought reasons to block conversions.
In New York, I was shocked to find a relatively easy conversion process. I established myself in a Jewish community, took weekly classes and when I felt ready, I met with the converting rabbi. I forgot the post-snack bracha so I had to come back in a few weeks. Once the rabbi decided that I was ready, I found a third rabbi for my beis din. It wasn’t until I finished the conversion that I realized that this is how conversion should work. You should take classes. You should have a good idea of the endpoint. The rabbi should work with you instead of against you.
2. Don’t be the Shabbos Goy
At first, you might want to turn on the lights for your Jewish friends. Your conversion is taking forever and if you are the Shabbos Goy then at least you aren’t an outsider. Suddenly, you can be useful. Only weeks turn to months, which become years and you’re still not Jewish. By this point, everyone still expects you to adjust the air conditioner. One Shemini Atzerets I was seeking a dinner invitation. While I was asking various members of the community if they had space, one friend invited me to go turn on the heater. As soon as I left, I passed the bathroom and told that I should use it (and turn on the lights) By the time I returned to the dwindling crowd, another friend decided to also show me that the bathroom lights were off. By that time, everyone had left and I returned to my apartment to eat alone. After that night I responded to Shabbos Goy hints with purposefully oblivious answers. When a shul member outright stated “Tim, it’s very hot in here” I would respond with “Nope. Feels fine to me.” It was actually hot but I was not about to turn on anyone’s air conditioner at that point.
This is not to say that the Shabbos Goy position is automatically an exploitative one. Shuls may need Shabbos goys for various functions. However, shuls outright hire non-Jewish caretakers and even give them apartments. If a shul is too cheap to hire a caretaker, there’s no reason that you as a convert should do that job for free.
3. Save your guilt for what matters
Conversion candidates are under constant scrutiny. Any individual can potentially delay a conversion process by reporting on personal conflicts, unfortunate gaffes and simple malice. Even after I converted, I encountered Jews who thought that they could “talk to the right people” and reverse my conversion. They couldn’t but the fact that they threatened it meant that they knew that they could derail conversions. As a potential convert, you are in a precarious position and it can be very easy to internalize the tensions of a dysfunctional community.
You come into the community with your own issues and without a common history. You didn’t spend a year studying in Israel. You never went to a Jewish camp. You probably hate Carlebach. Initially it’s difficult to follow halachos including Shabbos. You might even be tempted to confuse your struggles to get accustomed to Jewish law to live up to an idealized version of Judaism that doesn’t exist.
If you are romanticizing a dysfunctional community and feeling insecure about your place, you may very well feel guilty for not living up to arbitrary standards. You smoked pot in college. You had actual relationships that included pre-marital sex, or you love hip hop, etc. Baali tshuva go through similar ordeals because many of the major organizations for Jews who want to become more observant (like Aish HaTorah) tend to have a right-wing agenda and encourage this mind set.
However, a convert to Judaism is trying to become Jewish. They are not trying to become a saint. There’s enough guilt in your life already. Feel guilty about betraying your friends or bullying. Don’t feel guilty because you once loved bacon or because a rabbi yelled at you when you talked about watching television and enjoying Breaking Bad.
In part two I will talk more about the dysfunctional community.
A version of this article was published in Time of Israel in 2014. It has been edited and revised.