Advice for converting to Orthodox Judaism, part 2
In the previous article, I gave advice on how to avoid falling into the trap of being perpetually “not Jewish yet.” This chapter will continue the theme but also get into some personal issues. Conversion to Judaism should be difficult but it should not be an exercise in emotional abuse. You will face micro-aggression and gaslighting in your journey. Complain about your treatment and most of the time you hear the kneejerk dismissal. So let us continue with the advice.
4. Make an Effort to Recognize and Avoid Bullies/Embrace Allies
As noted in the previous article, as a convert you are already in a vulnerable position and you may even idealize the community which will make you even more vulnerable. If someone makes you uncomfortable, do what you can to avoid them. It doesn’t matter how many people vouch for them. Your comfort level is your comfort level and as with any social interaction, you need to trust your doubts.
However, there are several types of bullies. Some may try to sell you on their interpretations of Jewish law, claiming that halacha forbids pets (it doesn’t) or that only apostates believe in evolution (apostates who read Rambam). Some bullies will try to interrogate you concerning your reasons for converting to Judaism, as if you can encapsulate years of emotional and spiritual growth in 100 words or less. I remember a Chasidic rabbi who would invite guests over for Shabbos and then go on racist tirades or spout nonsense about how Torah learning is much more open-minded than university learning. This speech always kicked in when he couldn’t answer a basic Torah question.
Sadly, others may agree with you when it comes to being suspicious of certain abusive individuals but they will most likely not support you. This can be blamed on the reverence for the Chofetz Chaim who took basic rules against Lashon Hara (slander and gossip) and took them to such an extreme that Orthodox Jewish communities are in a constant state of training themselves not to see abuse. There’s a value in not speaking ill of others. Communities need to have some harmony, but when you get groped by a yeshivah bochur, you learn quickly that you can’t tell anyone without dismissal and lectures on slander. What’s worse is the fact that the same lashon hara rules that form this conspiracy of silence can be applied arbitrarily. Complain about a rabbi making you uncomfortable and the Chofetz Chaim books come out to tell you why you’re at fault. Talk about how a bar mitzvah looked cheap and you’re fine.
That said, you will make friends in the Jewish community of your choosing. As much as I warn against idealizing a Jewish community, most Jewish communities are welcoming overall and Jews are great. Your friends will remain your friends.
5. Own your Personal Issues and Don’t Let Anyone Determine Your Worth Based on Them
This seems like a repetition of the avoiding useless guilt advice but often communities will see psychological issues as automatic reasons for delaying or even blocking conversion entirely. When I was trying to convert through the Chicago Rabbinical Council, they made me fill out a form and one of the largest spaces was reserved for explaining your history of therapy and any medication you might be on. No. It’s none of their business.
As far as the CRC and many Jewish communities are concerned, every convert is a severely unstable individual until proven safe. Frequently, Jews ask converts why they are converting as if it’s a character flaw. Obviously no one wants to be the rabbi who helps convert the Jewish equivalent of Timothy McVeigh, but conversions candidates are always being judged based on that one convert from years ago. He seemed ready but as soon as he converted he pulled away from the Jewish community and became very critical, even anti-Semitic.
When I became serious about converting to Judaism, I was on the tail end of a four year relationship. The experience left me broken and fragile, eager to project my self-loathing onto those who would reject me. By the time I built up my self-esteem, the CRC and the local rabbi had decided that I was unstable as a default. Their brilliant plan was to wait until I married another conversion candidate in Minnesota. Then we could convert together. Actually, they were waiting for me to go away.
It wasn’t until I moved away from Minnesota that I realized that my issues did not make me hopelessly unfit for acceptance. If only 100% stable individuals were allowed to convert to Judaism then there would be no converts. However, the main problem wasn’t the CRC looking for excuses to block conversions. The problem was how much I became an accomplice in this treatment. I believed that I wasn’t worthy of becoming Jewish. It took me years to realize that my issues weren’t making me unworthy of becoming Jewish. I don’t know you, but if you are reading this and feeling frustrated in a conversion process, I am almost certain that your emotional and mental issues are also not deal killers when it comes to Judaism.
In the discourse around the exploitative nature of Jewish conversion, the phrases “no one needs to be Jewish” and “it’s supposed to be hard” come up frequently. Converting to Judaism is not easy. You have to learn Torah, basic Halacha and Hebrew. You will have to adapt to kosher and Shabbos. When people say that conversion isn’t easy, they are thinking about the work. They do not understand the vulnerability and the possibility of becoming a rabbi’s personal secretary at best.
I was relatively lucky. My conversion was delayed by a manipulative rabbi and bolstered by bad advice from community members. I left the community and started over in New York City. I was not abused. I was not sexually harassed. The RCA is implementing a woman ombudsman to advocate for female converts. As far as I know, this is the only advocacy instrument in place.
So please when you start converting to Judaism, make friends who will advocate for you. And advocate for yourself as much as you can. You have the right to be treated like a human being.
6. Make sure that there is a Formal Conversion Process
Many congregations have a laissez faire attitude towards converts. There’s no guarantee that you will convert in your community. When you move into a community and become serious about Shabbos observance, davening and kashrut, make certain that this is a community that wants converts. If you ask the congregational rabbi to be your converting rabbi and his response is a yes but then his program is to let you take whatever classes are available and occasionally touch base, you are in the wrong community.
A formal conversion is relatively easy but extremely important. The rabbi establishes a list of items that you need to know before you reach mikvah. There are regular classes and you have a good idea of when the process is over. The difference between a formal conversion and an informal one is dramatic. If you are in a community with an informal conversion process, ask everyone why this is the case. Some won’t care, but others are going to see that you are serious. They don’t want serious converts in limbo. As long as a conversion candidate is not Jewish, that candidate cannot join the shul. The shul cannot collect membership fees. Furthermore, the ability of converts to convert is one of the criteria that boards use to judge rabbis.
Good luck. Even though there are cases of manipulation, as a convert you will also find allies. The ability of the conversion process to change for the needs of conversion candidates is limited. However, there are supportive communities and rabbis. Conversion is difficult but it’s not a Saw movie. Jigsaw is not going to sit on your beis din. As long as you are serious, most Jews want you to join them.
This article was originally published in a different form in Times of Israel in 2014.