In Memoriam: Jordan Peterson - Probably Won’t Miss You
As I write this, Jordan Peterson is in Russia recovering from drug addiction. In order to deal with the withdrawal symptoms, the doctors put him in an induced coma. His daughter claims that Russia is the only country that can treat him because yada yada Western Medicine is bad. Russian Oligarchy medicine is amazing.
Sadly for Peterson, Rush Limbaugh has beaten him in the Death Olympics. The media can only obsess over one toxic privileged asshole dying at a time and Limbaugh did just ruin the Presidential Medal of Freedom for Rosa Parks. Google Limbaugh and you’ll find dozens of articles debating the merits over celebrating his death. That’s some serious media power and sadly, Jordan Peterson has fallen so far down the alt-right feeding trough that he can’t even get a decent hate editorial. The Beck and Shapiro sites dutifully wag their metaphorical finger at Peterson’s haters, but even they aren’t terribly excited to fly their “so much for the tolerant left” flags for this guy.
Poor Jordan Peterson is not getting the hate energy to justify the knee jerk defenses. I’m sure that William Lochovasky of Salt Lake City, Utah said something particularly nasty but it’s not nearly spiteful enough to justify Jordan Peterson’s free speech martyr press releases. All the NPC’s and Dark Web enemies can’t even be bothered to tell this guy to fuck off one last time.
As far as I know, this article that I’m writing now is the most spiteful Jordan Peterson hate letter in existence, and I can’t even be bothered to research every stupid thing he’s ever said. I doubt I am approaching it with the right attitude. A truly reverential hate letter to the almost dead requires white hot rage and self-righteous indignation (and some hypocrisy obviously). I can barely muster nostalgia for when this guy used to annoy me.
I’m surprised too. He was once unavoidable. More than once I’ve let the YouTube algorithm find new videos only to return a few hours later to his grating Kermit the Frog voice spouting Social Darwinist nonsense or acting like Feminists stole his sandwich. I suppose if I really wanted to write a proper fuck you, I’m happy you’re almost dead article, I would watch those videos. I would really work myself into a rage at all the nonsense arguments, unwarranted assertions and unexamined biases. However, I have enough anxiety without adding to it. Seriously, I am not watching those fucking videos again. I didn’t want to watch them in the first place. Don’t even pretend that you want to watch them.
Besides, Peterson irritates not just from his boring little speeches where he Dunning-Krugers all over every subject. The true source of the annoyance is in the fans. Many stupid people have used Peterson’s speeches to sound like they know what they are talking about. Do you feel dumb around people who aren’t your drinking buddies from high school? Blame Cultural Marxism. Did you receive an F on your Film Studies paper? Blame Post-modernism. With Jordan Peterson quotes, you can pull these tricks off without sounding completely inane.
Emmanuel Levinas said that one may forgive individual Nazis but one should not forgive Heidegger who allowed these Nazis to talk about their ideology without sounding like raving lunatics. (The translations vary). Peterson is not exactly Heidegger. Heidegger invented post modernism so he wouldn’t confuse post-modernism with identity politics, feminism, or whatever “Cultural Marxism” means this week. Peterson is an idiot who inspires other idiots. These idiots go out into the world and talk shit about Feminism not because they are sexists who never questioned all the toxic misogyny. Oh no, Peterson told them that feminism is unnatural and they believe it because he could sound intelligent.
Peterson even ruined Zizek. I don’t remember Zizek spouting transphobic bullshit before the debate. Before Zizek agreed to debate Peterson, he was the dirty spitting raccoon of philosophy. Of course, he’s going to film himself in a garbage can. He’s Zizek and he’s going to explain Plato’s Cave Analogy via the fight sequence in They Live. Does it matter that Zizek is not properly citing Plato? Maybe, but I’m not a philosophy professor. I’m not going to try to explain Plato’s Cave to a room full of college sophomores only to hear “Oh, like the ‘put on the glasses’ scene from They Live.” Since Peterson, Zizek has become a shadow of his former self. It’s as if Peterson has stolen everything that made Zizek entertaining and left a sputtering transphobe in his place.
I would go on. I could go on. I even looked up the Lobster meme solely for this article and then realized that I would have to read Jordan Peterson in order to understand why everyone keeps mocking him with lobsters. But he also sells lobster merchandise. Lobsters teach hierarchy? That’s his point? We should all agree to the established hierarchies because of the fucking lobsters?
Before I started writing this article I had little personal animosity toward Jordan Peterson. One of his fans hacked my Barnes & Noble account and ordered his books to send to people who may or may not have wanted them. I could give him the benefit of the doubt. Sure, it’s possible that the Jordan Peterson fan club was inflating his sales with hacked online bookstore accounts. That would put them at the top of the lobster chain of command. Still, he could be innocent in that case.
However, I did not know that he was actually serious about those fucking lobsters.
Holy fuck, Jordan Peterson is a moron. I knew that. It’s not exactly a new development. After all, he’s in Russia, the holy shrine of gangsters and fascists, because he believes that their medical system is going to benefit him more than CANADA. Even if they have a treatment plan for him, half of the supplies are going to get stolen to supply the latest Putin-associated oligarch’s coke orgy. Good luck not getting an infection from your catheter, Lobster Boy. You deserve all the herpes.
Forget April. I will be surprised if he survives February.
So goodbye, Jordan Peterson. You were really too precious for this world. May the great lobster in the sky take you into his pincers and coddle you with tales of Cultural Marxists who are also post-modernists who are also feminists in Hell. In a world full of pontificating mediocre white dudes, you were the most mediocre. You died as you lived — very stupid.